I recently met my dear friend Raj after quite sometime. He had requested the meeting and when we met, I could clearly see that he was troubled.
After few minutes of niceties, I asked Raj why he looked worried. He twitched for a moment. With a sad face, Raj started telling his problem.
"Last week, I had a performance review in my office. My manager told that I was a good performer. Naturally, I asked him why I was not rated excellent even after a superior performance.
My manager simply asked me whether I was passionate about my work. I was angered. I rattled out all my achievements. I eloquently described how I bettered others.
My manager repeated his question. I tried to tell something, but kept quite. After a while, he agreed that I had performed exceedingly well for the current year. But then, he asked me about the future and if I had the passion and the vision to take me to the next level? He told that if I was given a task, I could perform it well. However, I have never ever tried to do something on my own. He claimed that these are the things necessary for getting an excellent rating."
"Oh, work related." I exclaimed, relieved that it was nothing major. "Its terrible maga. I am worried", Raj said somberly.
I egged him to continue.
Raj started again - "While returning home, I asked the same questions to myself. Am I passionate about my work? Instant answer is a loud No.
Next question - So, what are you passionate about which you can turn into a career? Answer - Umm, not sure. Rather, don't know!
The corollary, therefore, is I can never excel or succeed! All of what my manager had said was true!"
I was amused at Raj's naivety. I said "Wow sisya!! How could you get convinced so easily? You know, managers are paid to utter stuff like this."
Raj disagreed. He said that he concurred with his manager's assessment. I then asked pointedly, "Raj, why then did you take up CS? Weren't you aware of this before?"
Raj sighed. "I wish I knew. Though I cant claim that I was pushed into computer engineering, it was not my choice. My uncle was by far the most well read and refined person in our household. Invariably, I regarded him as my role model from childhood. I was an above average student and hence, my uncle also showed keen interest in my studies.
In school and pre degree, my interests were literature and sports (especially cricket). I topped in both Kannada and English and had excellent command over the language. In addition, I was highly influenced by my physics teacher in pre degree and developed a keen interest in astrophysics.
I told my uncle that I wanted to study physics. However, he discouraged me. He said that science graduates were struggling to get jobs and that computer engineering was the hot thing. It would ensure that I get a decent job. He reminded me of my lower middle class background and my dependent parents. I understood that there was no use talking about my other interest - literature. That was no money spinner either.
I wrote the entrance exam, got a good rank and got admitted to a top engineering college. In college, I was obviously an average student. However, due to the extreme demand for software engineers, I landed a job.
But the question which lurks at me like a giant ghost is - Can I survive here for all of my work life? Our product VP once warned that software engineers have just 10 more years of fun. After that, we will in no way be cost effective and only competence matters.", he uttered. His last few words were barely audible as he was trying to control his emotion.
I knew half of what Raj told since I was his engineering classmate. However, I didn't want to interrupt him. I also concurred with Raj that the fun days for computer professionals were numbered. Reality would dawn upon us, sooner or later. But I thought it was a natural transformation in any industry. Raj, for one, believed he couldn't adjust.
I tried in vain to talk him up. It was as if he had concluded that he was in the wrong place. Clearly, my friend was struggling. I finally asked him - "So Raj, what do you have in mind for the future?"
Raj looked lost. He gazed at the evening sun for a long while. Then he said "I am not sure Abhi. I cant afford to lose the money I am making here. You know that I am the only bread winner in my house. At the same time, I am dying of suffocation each day. I don't know what I am good at. I don't know what my passion is. I have forgotten my interests due to tremendous amount of apathy over a long time. Man, life in middle class is cruel!"
I didn't know how to console Raj. Though initially I wished his role model was someone who knew better, later I felt that the person had Raj's larger interests in mind. We were silent for a long time.
"Cheer up buddy! Start making a conscious effort to renew your passion. If not as a career, at least as a hobby. It will help relieve your stress.", was all I managed.
Raj got up to leave. He said "I really hope I can start something before I go mad."
I hugged him warmly and wished him good luck. As I rode back home, I prayed God to show Raj the way. He desperately needed it.
